I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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