I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
