apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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