nut hugger
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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