I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dicks are not precious.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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