Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
