In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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