cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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