so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
