my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
