Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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