Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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