why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
