i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
