someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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