I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
