pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
