Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
