i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
