sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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