I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
