the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
