she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
