You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
