Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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