I accidentally burped into my bong.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
