So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
