So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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