I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
