I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
