The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
