I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
