Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dicks are not precious.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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