I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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