I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
