I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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