I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
