My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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