My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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