i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
