you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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