Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
