when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
