The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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