God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
