I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
