I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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