i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
