ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
