and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
