dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
