I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
