just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
